Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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