I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
