i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
