i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
