Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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