Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
