took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
