I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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