we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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