She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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