I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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