Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
