Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
