If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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