I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
