I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Randomize
