If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
