It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
