They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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