Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
