3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
