Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.