It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
