i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
