is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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