Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
im about as happy as oj after his trial
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
