i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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