Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
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I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
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Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.