I could make wine with my vomit
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...