I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.