i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
