Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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