Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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