My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
