If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
