I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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