i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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