capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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