Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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