Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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