i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
