Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
