Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
