my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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