I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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