dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
