Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
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Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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