I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
