i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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