Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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