I wish I could teleport
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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