i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
