please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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