You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
